he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize