I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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