he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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