I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Still dying that you shit outside
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
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