I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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