North Korea, Best Korea!
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
