you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
