Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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