dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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