Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
