I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
