I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
