i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
