he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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