Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
