my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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