this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
