We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Randomize
