I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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