Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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