so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Randomize
