just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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