I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
