He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
All I want is dick and wine.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg šš
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dogās dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a āwater bottleā. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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