he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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