What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
