Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
