You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
