My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
