K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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