So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
