Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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