There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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