So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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