I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
