Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
