John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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