We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
