I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Randomize
