i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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