Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
