A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
