I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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