I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
