he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
