She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
