he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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