If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
