Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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