My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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