Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
