I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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