Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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