the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Randomize
