You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
