watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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