Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
