i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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