I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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