her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
