I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
