I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
