My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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