I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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