Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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